When I fantasized about living together with my future husband, I imagined cooking him delicious meals, and him praising me for it. I imagined us sitting together watching a movie every evening—or at least a couple of times a week—laughing, crying, discussing what we saw. I imagined greeting my husband with a kiss on the cheek, and him smiling shyly, happy about our meeting.
But when Sergey and I moved in together, all my expectations collided with reality.
Evenings under films and tasty treats were replaced by watching football, hockey, or some other sport. I really tried to understand it, but literally after twenty minutes, I was dozing off, and I fell asleep while my husband continued to watch TV.
My husband’s smile, from when I greeted him from work, changed to phrases like:
‘What’s for dinner?’
‘Leave me alone, I’m tired.’
‘Don’t talk to me, I’m angry.’
‘Did you wash my clothes?’
My husband did not particularly appreciate my cooking. It was too salty, undercooked, or just not tasty enough. After a while, I stopped even getting a simple ‘thank you,’ despite spending over two hours cooking. My idea of perfect family life turned to dust.
‘Liza, do you want to get married?’ Sergey unexpectedly asked me as we walked in the park.
‘I do, but why do you ask?’ I looked at my beloved with a playful and mysterious gaze.
‘I’m thinking whether I should marry you,’ Sergey sighed.
‘You’re still thinking? Of course, you should! I agree!’
‘I haven’t even proposed to you yet.’
‘You don’t need to, I already agree!’
‘You’re not like everyone else, Lizonka. Alright, let’s get married since you want it so much.’
‘Don’t you want to?’
‘I wouldn’t say it’s that important to me, it’s just a stamp in the passport—nothing more. But we can do it.’
‘I can already imagine how beautiful I will be in a wedding dress, and you—in a wedding suit… And how we will have fun at our wedding!
‘Okay, Liz. Let’s just not make a show of this circus. We’ll go, get registered, sit in a restaurant with families, and that’s all.’
‘How come? But a wedding is an important event!’
‘Liz, that’s an opinion imposed by society. A wedding is just an extra expense and a reason for relatives to drink. Since you want to be my wife, let’s do without a wedding.’
‘But…’
‘Tell me, will you stop loving me if we don’t have a wedding?’
‘I will, of course.’
‘Then it’s settled.’
Not the most romantic story of our marriage, but there isn’t another. Overall, I convinced myself that the celebration wasn’t really necessary as long as we loved each other. Moreover, it would have been much more logical to invest money in an apartment rather than spend it on some party.
Partly because my dreams of a lavish wedding did not come true, I switched to living together with my husband. But even then, my romantic side couldn’t be fully satisfied.
‘Yuck! What’s this, eggplants?’ Sergey spat all the food back onto the plate.
‘Yes, what’s wrong? Don’t you like it?’
‘Did you forget I don’t eat them? Maybe you should write a list since you keep forgetting everything?!’
‘Sorry, dear, I forgot. Let me quickly make something else?’
‘Don’t bother cooking anything! Appetite’s gone.’
My life was like Groundhog Day. I got up an hour before my husband to cook him breakfast and simultaneously get myself ready—showering, putting on makeup, dressing in nice home clothes. After my husband left for work, I quickly got ready and left for mine. After a 10-hour shift, I came home and first cooked dinner and lunch. Then I cleaned because Sergey liked to live in a perfectly clean house.
‘Did you not dust today?’ my husband noticed.
‘I’ll dust tomorrow, I didn’t have time today,’ I said tiredly.
‘You come home two hours before me. Couldn’t you spend ten minutes dusting?’
‘Sergey, I’m not a robot. I’ve already been standing at the stove for so long, and I still had to do laundry, clean the floors, and tidy up the closet.’
‘So many chores you have, look at that! The washing machine does all the washing, what were you even doing? Cleaning floors—5 minutes. And cooking, I wonder, how long? You should have learned to cook faster by now to manage everything.’
‘Please, don’t shout, my head hurts. Can you help me if you’re so bothered by this dust?’
‘I want to rest after work, Liza, not do women’s chores.’
‘Maybe I also want to rest after work, have you thought about that? But instead, I cook and clean the apartment, only resting when I sleep!’
‘Decided to complain? When you pay entirely for this rental apartment, then you can do whatever you want. Meanwhile, you don’t even bring proper money home.’
‘Actually, I pay for our apartment just as much as you do. And that’s for a rental, not ours.’
‘You know we can’t afford our own place. And by the way, a question. Do you pay for groceries? Or for household goods? Or maybe for some bedding?’
‘Sometimes, it happens.’
‘Sometimes! Do your job, wife, and don’t complain.’
When we had a child, everything got even worse. No, I didn’t regret the birth of my baby Ulyana, but on maternity leave, I was just as tired as before when I just went to work. Sergey hardly helped with the child, considering it purely a woman’s duty. I couldn’t even peacefully go to the bathroom, and my husband couldn’t take a minute off his football so I could just be alone for a few miserable minutes.
Time passed, but nothing changed. I had already stopped understanding where life was and where existence was. But I couldn’t leave Sergey because I was afraid. Afraid of change, loneliness, stress. Afraid I wouldn’t cope with being a single mother, as I didn’t want my daughter to grow up without a father. I still tried to keep our relationship with my husband, occasionally making surprises.
‘Sergey, how about we take Ulyashka to my parents’ for the weekend?’ I suggested to my husband one evening.
‘Why?’
‘I want to spend the weekend alone with you. Let’s go to a restaurant, maybe to the movies, and continue our beautiful marital day at home…’
‘Don’t talk nonsense, Liz. First, our daughter has never spent the night anywhere else. Second, you think we have money for your whims? Instead of going to restaurants, better keep the house properly. See how my white socks look? They’re almost black!
‘But we hardly spend any time alone…’
‘When Ulyana grows up and moves into her own place, then we’ll have more free time. And moreover, we see each other every day, what else do you need?’
But, of course, every time I tried to arrange a date with my husband, it ended before it even began. I had already forgotten about flowers since I didn’t receive them from my husband even on our anniversary because he either forgot the day or preferred that I cook something for him. In return, I received nothing.
Rarely, but still, Sergey’s mother visited us. I had a neutral relationship with my mother-in-law; we were never close. However, she always took her son’s side if she witnessed any domestic situation.
‘Wife, maybe you’ll pour some tea for my mother? Take care of the guests,’ my husband ordered.
‘Your wife doesn’t look very well,’ my mother-in-law said out loud as if I wasn’t standing two steps away from her.
‘I agree, mom. Something needs to be done about it.’
I thought Sergey would tell me to sit down and rest, and he would take care of his mother himself, but it was not so.
‘Liza!’ my husband called me.
‘Yes?’
‘Why so gloomy? Smile at least! Stop walking around with a sour face in front of my mom. Do you have any respect for elders?’
I wanted to cry, but I forced a smile.
‘Sorry, Marina Vasilievna. Don’t think I’m always like this, just a bit tired.’
‘We all get tired, darling. What now, should we walk around with an unhappy face at home? Actually, you’re the hostess and should always be in a good mood, so your husband is always satisfied. Right, son?’
‘Absolutely, mommy!’
I held on as much as I could, although I felt like I could explode at any moment, not thinking about the fact that we had a guest. I was so tired of such a life that I no longer understood what was happening. I was as if waiting for some breaking point when my tongue would say everything for me, and my body would behave as if I didn’t control it. And soon, that moment came.
It was just another ordinary day. I came home after work and saw the mess my husband had made the day before. Sergey then stayed home, deceiving his boss that he felt unwell. In reality, he just got tired of going to work, so he decided to take a day off. From the turned-off TV and the state of the apartment, I understood that he watched another match, drank a foamy beverage, ate chips, and didn’t even manage to make the bed. And I had to clean it all up.
There was an hour and a half left before I needed to pick up my daughter from kindergarten, so I went to cook dinner. Sergey at that time lay on the couch, unashamed of the mess he made.
‘I’m going for Ulyana,’ I informed my husband.
‘Wait, I’ll pick her up myself,’ Sergey stopped me.
‘Why all of a sudden?’ I was surprised.
‘Go to my mom’s, clean her floors, and cook lunch. She’s waiting for you,’ my husband declared.
That’s when I couldn’t hold back anymore. Words flew out of my mouth.
‘Are you serious right now? Are you mocking me?! That’s it, I’m going for Ulyana.’
‘Stop, I said! Didn’t you hear me? You are going to my mother’s to clean right now!’
‘I don’t owe your mother anything, got it?! Call and tell her not to wait in vain.’
‘You got brave, huh? Don’t you understand my words?’
‘It’s you who doesn’t understand, Sergey! I’m already torn every day from work, cleaning, and raising our daughter! Not only do I keep perfect order every single day, which takes a lot of effort, but you also want me to work as a cleaner at your mother’s? No thanks!
‘How are you talking to me? I’m your husband; you should listen to what I say and do everything I demand!’
‘Who are you to command me? You’re just a boy who can’t even boil pasta for himself and wash his own socks! I’m tired of being your servant, not your wife!’
‘And what did you want, Liza? For us to always live in a mess because of your idleness? If it weren’t for me, no one would need you like this!’
‘What are you talking about?! You’re the one who’s needed by no one with that attitude towards your own wife! I’m tired of dancing to your tune!’
‘So, that’s it. Either you shut up carrying on this nonsense and go to my mother’s, or we’re splitting up!’
‘I’d be only too happy! I no longer want to live in this apartment with such a vile person like you!’
As quickly as I could, I started packing my and my daughter’s things, having previously warned the kindergarten teacher that I would pick up my daughter a bit later than planned. Sergey tried to stop me all this time, even throwing some items, but before my eyes, there seemed to be a veil that didn’t let me see anything but our things. All my insides told me to leave this house as soon as possible and never return.
I picked up my daughter from kindergarten, apologized to the teacher for the late arrival, and left with her to my parents’.
‘And we came to visit you!’ Ulyana ran into the arms of her grandmother and grandfather.
‘Hello, granddaughter!’ smiled Dad, and then noticed the suitcases and whispered to me, ‘What’s going on?’
‘I’ll tell you everything now,’ I whispered and carried the suitcases into the living room.
I was infinitely grateful to my parents for being able to spontaneously come to them without warning and tell them that my daughter and I would live with them for a while. I understood that it was selfish of me, but I could no longer stay with my husband. I could have spent the night at the station, but I would never have returned to him.
I decided to split up with Sergey. All this time, he sent me angry messages mixed with ballads of love for me and my daughter, but I didn’t believe them. After so many years, I finally took off my rose-colored glasses and saw what my husband was really like. And for the first time in these years, I felt free, realizing that he would no longer take all my life energy.
I felt stronger than ever. Something in me woke up, prompting me to make my daughter’s and my life better than it had been all this time. I knew I would move mountains for my child. I knew I would do everything possible to make myself happy. And despite such an experience, I sincerely believed that one day I would meet a man who would appreciate me for my worth and not just be my husband, but a real partner in life.
